


An Ongoing Dialogue Between Two Brothers (With Additional Commentary by Their Mummy)

by Crystalwren



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: BBC Sherlock - Freeform, Challenge Response, Challenge fic, Community: sherlockbbc_fic, Gen, Humour, Kink Meme, Sibling Rivalry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-23
Updated: 2012-04-23
Packaged: 2017-11-04 04:27:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/389745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crystalwren/pseuds/Crystalwren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which the origin of a great many things  is revealed...</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Ongoing Dialogue Between Two Brothers (With Additional Commentary by Their Mummy)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Round 28 of the Sherlock BBC Kink Meme, with anon's prompt of, _'I have a mental image of Sherlock stealing Mycroft's cigarettes and then sending an indignant text message complaining that they were menthol.'_

**From:** Mycroft  
 **To:** Sherlock  
 **Medium:** Spoken word

You’re noisy and ugly and you’re always crying. I hate you. Mummy doesn’t love me anymore because she’s so busy looking after you. Stop stealing my Mummy.

**  
**

**From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** Bodily waste

Whilst at age six months I am physically unable to speak, my cognition is already in far excess of my chronological age. I thus must express my disdain in a more oblique fashion, ergo, by urinating on you. Have a nice day.

 

 **From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** Deafening shrieks

I am bored. Entertain me, or I shall continue to scream.

 

 **From:** Mycroft  
 **To:** Sherlock  
 **Medium:** Meaningful silence

I am wearing earplugs. I cannot hear you, therefore I do not suffer any compulsion to obey.

 

 **From:** Mycroft  
 **To:** Sherlock  
 **Medium:** Hissy fit

You drooling infant. Was it necessary for you to steal and shred my homework?

 

 **From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** Deceptively adorable toddler babble

Yes. Yes, it was. You solved a fraction incorrectly. I found it irritating.

**  
**

**From:** Mycroft  
 **To:** Sherlock  
 **Medium:** Frustrated tantrum

As of counting, you have stolen my Mummy, my homework, and a considerable amount of my sleep due to your deafening teething related screaming. I must request that you return all three forthwith.

**  
**

**From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** Deafening teething related screaming

No.

 

 **From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** Heart broken sobbing

My dummy appears to be missing. I am most distressed. Might I presume that you are the culprit behind this dastardly act?

 

 **From:** Mycroft  
 **To:** Sherlock  
 **Medium:** Smug smile

This is correct. And see if you can ever find it again, you irritating little bastard.

 

 **From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** Heart broken whimpering

I am extremely emotionally distraught.

 

 **From:** Mycroft  
 **To:** Sherlock  
 **Medium:** Smug smile metamorphosing into large grin

Your suffering gives me pleasure.

 

 **From:** Mycroft  
 **To:** Sherlock  
 **Medium:** Hissing from behind clenched teeth

The Easter egg from Nanna that I was saving appears to have disappeared.

 

 **From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** Evil leer

You are distinctly pudgy, my dear brother. I was helping you towards a slimmer figure.

 

 **From:** Mycroft  
 **To:** Sherlock  
 **Medium:** A very potty mouth

You are ruining my life.

 

 **From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** The first proto-words of vocabulary development

I suggest you become accustomed to this state of affairs.

 

 **From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** One syllable words spoken with a distinct lisp

Miss Popsey Poo Puppet is not in her chair.

 

 **From:** Mycroft  
 **To:** Sherlock  
 **Medium:** Victory pose

This is because I have fed her to the neighbour’s three starving and badly trained Rottweilers. I felt that your emotional dependence on a stuffed toy was impeding your intellectual development, and that it was my brotherly duty to intercede.

 

 **From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** Incoherent sobbing

I need Miss Popsey Poo Puppet as a crutch to survive in a confusing world.

 

 **From:** Mycroft  
 **To:** Sherlock  
 **Medium:** Pained whimpers

Your teeth appear to be sunk into the tender flesh of my ankle.

 

 **From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** Voiceless conveyance of pure sadism

I am discovering that one’s position in the world may be determined by constructing a hypothesis, and subsequently determining the status of this hypothesis by a systematic approach of trial and error. Or to summarise, I shall conduct experiments in order to determine both current status and projected outcomes. I no longer need Miss Popsey Poo Puppet.

 

 **From:** Mycroft  
 **To:** Sherlock  
 **Medium:** Physical violence

I must protest your decision to experiment with your teeth upon my skin.

 

 **From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** Agony

There is an umbrella jammed in my eye.

 

 **From:** Mycroft  
 **To:** Sherlock  
 **Medium:** Sadistic glee

And see if you catch me without an umbrella to hand ever again.

 

 **From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** Malevolent snarls

I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too.

 

 **To:** Sherlock  
 **From:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** You were warned

Your copy of ‘The Wizard of Oz’ has now joined Miss Popsey Poo Puppet in the graveyard of the bellies of the neighbour’s three starving and badly trained Rottweilers.

 

 **From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** Hammering on the bedroom door

I know that you have lollies hidden inside your room. I must insist that you deliver them to me.

 

 **From:** Mycroft  
 **To:** Sherlock  
 **Medium:** Burn in hell

No.

 

 **From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** Conniving primary schooler

Have I mentioned how much I love and admire my elder brother today?

**  
**

**From:** Mycroft  
 **To:** Sherlock  
 **Medium:** Absolutely not

No, you may not borrow my chemistry textbooks in order to conduct your first forays into the manufacturing of incendiaries.

 

 **From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** Wheedling

I shall help you with your French homework in exchange.

 

 **From:** Mycroft  
 **To:** Sherlock  
 **Medium:** Nice try

Thank you for the offer, but my French is already excellent. I am also fluent in German and Portuguese. My Latin is as yet progressing, but appears to be improving through the medium of writing all personal notes and papers in said language.

**  
**

**From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** Booooooooooooooooored

Dead languages are pointless and tedious and I refuse to waste my time on them.

 

 **From:** Mycroft  
 **To:** Sherlock  
 **Medium:** Mousetrap

Oh dear, I’m sorry, did you hurt your hand attempting to retrieve my personal diary from its hiding place wedged up in the disused chimney?

 

 **From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** Pain

It’s not like I can even read Latin.

 

 **From:** Mycroft  
 **To:** Sherlock  
 **Medium:** Eye roll

Liar.

**  
**

**To:** Sherlock  
 **From:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** Hushed voice so that Mummy doesn’t hear

Where are my cigarettes?

 

 **From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** Croaking

I smoked them all. They were utterly vile and I feel desperately ill.

 

 **From:** Mycroft  
 **To:** Sherlock  
 **Medium:** I win

Of course they were vile. They were menthols.

 

 **From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** Fit of pique

If they were vile, what did you have them in your room for?

 

 **From:** Mycroft  
 **To:** Sherlock  
 **Medium:** Schadenfreude

So that you would smoke said vile things in one single go in order to spite me, and then feel desperately ill.

 

 **From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** Sulking

That’s not fair.

**  
**

**From:** Mycroft  
 **To:** Sherlock  
 **Medium:** Inspiration

My life with you up to this point has been utter hell, but this latest turn of events suggests that I may have a hitherto unknown knack for manipulating others, even those with higher IQs than mine. I find this process highly pleasurable. I have found my calling. I’m going into politics.

 

 **From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** Dull!

I find you dull beyond words. I would demonstrate just how dull I find you, however, these other cigarettes that I found hidden in Mummy’s room are both soothing and extremely pleasant and I suddenly have no inclination to continue our current interaction. You may go now.

**  
**

**From:** Mycroft

 **To:** Sherlock  
 **Medium:** The fuck!?

Sherlock. That isn’t a cigarette that you’re smoking right now.

 

 **From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** Mycroft  
 **Medium:** It’s alllllllllllllllllll good

Got any chocolate?

**  
**

**From:** Mycroft  
 **To:** Mummy  
 **Medium:** Panic

WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE MARIJUANA HIDDEN IN YOUR BEDROOM?!

 

 **From:** Sherlock  
 **To:** The world in general  
 **Medium:** Profound serenity

I could really use some chocolate right now.

 

 **From:** Mummy  
 **To:** Mycroft and Sherlock  
 **Medium:** Utter exhaustion

I have discovered the recipe for peace in the ongoing war between the Republic of Mycroft and the Empire of Sherlock. Sherlock, pass me the joint. Mycroft, fetch the chocolate.

 

 **From:** Sherlock and Mycroft  
 **To:** Mummy  
 **Medium:** Terrified obedience

Yes, Mummy.

 

 **From:** Mummy  
 **To:** You  
 **Medium:** The fuzzy pink mists of pending insanity

You try raising two sociopathic manipulative geniuses perpetually at war with each other and see if you can get through the day unmedicated.

 

**END**


End file.
